It is a coincidence that #WorldMentalHealthDay and #NationalComingOutDay are next to each other on the calendar. It’s not a coincidence that LGBT+ people are disproportionately affected by common mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and stress, have higher rates of self-harm, suicidal ideation and attempts than the general population.
Coming out is often talked about as a single moment. In reality, LGBTQ+ people live in a cisgendered-hetrosexist society (that values reductive binaries above the lived experiences of so many), thus coming out is a continuous process.
“Out” is so often talked about as a binary, you’re either closeted, or you’re a out. In mainstream queer narratives (see: Brokeback Mountain, Milk, or Boys Don’t Cry) being queer we’re told is hard, but being out, even if it means facing discrimination, violence even death, is ‘honest’ and 'true’ thus the preferred state. In real life things are far more complicated.
It is a false dichotomy that people are either closeted or out. They can be out to some people, and not others. This is in fact, the norm for most LGBTQ+ people. What does being out really mean, anyway? That you know you’re queer; that everyone who knows you knows it? Do you have to tell everyone you meet? If you don’t, are you still “out”?
The historical context of Coming Out Day is in the 80s and the the midst of the AIDS crisis when it was founded in the US as Natonal Coming Out Day. The mainstream media regularly associated gay as equivalent of depraved, diseased and deserving of death, AIDS was even referred to by some as 'divine retribution’. National Coming Out Day was an attempt to reframe being LGB as positive and to make coming out empowering. There is an easy appeal of this reasoning and for some people, coming out is an important milestone, a chance to take ownership of their identity(ies) and experiences. Ideally the news is greeted with warmth and cheer.
However, Coming Out Day also perpetuates the very thing that needs to be eradicated to ensure queer liberation: heteronormativity and patriarchy. The assumption that straight and cisgendered are “normal” the universal default setting, that all other sexual orientations and gender identities are an aberration. Dorothy Parker said it best “Heterosexuality isn’t normal, it’s just common”.
Having a day dedicated to LGBTQ+ people coming out emphasises coming out as a LGBTQ+ only experience. Cisgendered-straight people don’t have to come out, because everyone is assumed to be straight and cisgendered until they say otherwise.
There is a tendency to over-emphasize coming out as some defining element of someone’s identity, that fails to recognise the incremental nature of the process. Coming out is not safe for everyone in all contexts, it is not the most important part of an LGBTQ+ individuals lived experience. The most important part is knowing yourself.
The “closet” is oft framed as a dark, unhappy place. Being “out” is stepping into the light and being honest and free, but free from what? Given the disproportionate number of homeless young people who identify as LGBTQ+, who cite their identity as a factor in their homelessness it is worth considering this narrative critically. In an ideal world everyone would be free to come out without fear, statistics* show we are not yet in that ideal world.
There is no right or wrong way to be queer. People don’t have to tell anyone any details about their lives if they don’t want to. People need to do what is best for them.
Personally want to see more LGBTQ+ visibility, but not at any individual person’s expense but I think we must move away from the prevailing idea that queer people must be out to be valid, that queer people must always put the community ahead of their own needs, or that or speaking their identity aloud is the culmination or apotheosis of their identity.
* 20% rise in the UK year on year according to BBC News
